May 9, 2021
It’s been a while since my last post. Several of you sent me private messages asking if I’ve been okay and asked me when I was going to post again… Well, here I am. I’ve resurfaced.
My last entry, “The Talk,” stirred up emotions I thought I had overcome. So, I had to sit with them for a while. And then, when I thought I was ready to write/post again, I became filled entirely with uncontrollable anxiety. My post was going to be about meeting my birth parents, Sam and Jeannie. Each time I attempted to write, I felt sick. Butterflies would fill my belly. Next, the fluttering would move up to my throat so fast that I couldn’t breathe. It felt as though the memories from my meet-up with Sam and Jeannie slithered from my mind like a boa and slowly choked me. I’d cough and gage for air every single goddamn time I tried to write…and so I took a break. I needed to sit with my emotions that I THOUGHT I had gotten over.
And so, for the past month, I meditated, prayed, and unpacked my emotions with my therapist. So I ask you to please forgive the radio silence. My frequency was off. Now I’m back.
Mother’s Day. I thought today would be a good day to write. I woke up early and stared at the ceiling. The first thing on my mind was Jeannie. I was grateful…thankful. I was thankful that she followed her soul and decided to “let me go.” Jeannie might not realize it, but she acted in unbelievable motherly strength on the day I was born. She brought me into the world, knowing she may never see me again. She put me at the center, her emotions to the side; she was selfless. However, this act of love for me took a significant toll on her that I don’t think she’s ever recovered from. I think she’s coped through life, and I believe that she’s never dealt with her doubt, guilt, fear, and grief.
She had two children, boys, after me. She “kept” them. However, it seems that they never got 100% of our mother. It may be because she gave all of her unconditional love away to me–she didn’t have anything left to give.
Jeannie, if you are reading my blog, thank you. You made the most profound decision of my life on the day of my birth. Thank you for sacrificing yourself for me. And to my little brothers, I’m sorry for being the source of our mother’s inability to show up for you the way we expect a mother to be.
To my mom, Jay, thank you and dad for falling in love with me and taking me into your heart and home the day we met. You gave me a life filled with memories that I’ll forever cherish.
“The Love of Two Women”
Adapted from an untitled and unknown author poem.
There were two women in my life who never knew each other.
One I did not remember, and the other I call my mother.
Two different lives shaped me to make mine one.
Jeannie became my guiding star, and Jay became my sun.
The first gave me life, and the second taught me how to live it.
The first gave me a desire for love, and the second was always there to share it.
One gave me my face, the other gave me my name.
One gave me a seed of talent (thanks for my beautiful voice), and the other gave me an aim.
One gave me my emotions; the other calmed my fears.
The first one heard my first cry, while the other dried my tears.
Jeannie put my life first and painfully gave me away.
Jay’s body wasn’t functioning, and she prayed that God would send a baby her way.
And now that I’ve learned about my first mother, people ask me, nature or nurture, which am I the product of?
I look, smile, and say, “Neither, my friend …I’m a product of two different kinds of love.”
Happy Mother’s Day.
Thank you for waiting patiently for a blog post and for holding a space for me as I continue to navigate through my emotions.
If you’re a mother how did you spend it?
If you’re an adoptee have you met your mother?
Please tell me one great thing about the mother in your life?