June 22, 2018
Now that my mother was gone I put all of my attention on the meeting with Jeannie and Sam. There was a lot to prepare before our meetup. A month prior I had spoken to Jeannie and had this grandiose idea of playing the piano while she sang. What was I thinking? This wasn’t a good idea…
I found sheet music for “Get Here If You Can” the song I heard her sing on Youtube and attempted to tackle it. The music was fairly easy but, unfortunately, it had been almost 30 years since I’ve played piano. I was completely rusty and it was apparent with every note I played. My fingers were stiff like twigs on a tree.
I started with the base clef. “Let’s see…F-A-C-E. Fuck! No! Base not treble! Okay, ok…Every Good Boy Does Fine? … … …EGDF? Fuck! Fuck! I don’t remember! Okay, ok…”I can do this.”
I looked at my son’s piano note chart and began to writing the notes on the sheet music…Dammit. The noted slowly seemed to be upside down. I was a wreck. “Ok, I’ll move to another section.” I told myself.
I flipped the page with the hopes that I’d see notes that I was familiar with. And just like my life discovery, I didn’t understand anything anymore. The more I attempted to read the music the more foreign they became to me. The more I spoke to my family the more I didn’t understand them. How could they hold in a secret about me for so long?
I was overwhelmed and in over my head with the music and my life. Crying, I realized that I had to start from the basics, take my time and learn to play piano all over again…just like my life. And in that moment I stopped. I was emotionally spent.
I got up, and my eldest son (11 y.o.) tried to comfort and encourage me. “Mom, you can do it! Don’t give up.” He didn’t know that I, too, just like my mom and dad, was holding on to a deep secret about myself. I, too, was “waiting for the right time” to tell him.
I went to bed, put on my headset, listened to Stevie Wonder on repeat, and fell asleep. I was drained and had to have a talk with God.
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What’s your song or a playlist that you listen to so that you can reset?